social control

i saw this linked to on a site i read frequently this morning.  i had two responses - laughter, followed by anger that my spouse wouldn't see it.  well he could, but he's on a hiking trip and by the time he comes back i will have forgotten all about this.

you see, we've had an ongoing discussion concerning gender & societal stereotypes and the raising of our beautiful child.  he is as aware, if not more than me, that we do our best to balance 'girl' things with 'boy' things - dress up clothes with dump trucks, kitchens with tool boxes, dora with diego.  it's incredibly helpful that nearly all the kids in daycare with her are boys - she plays 'hide and go secret', can recognize batman, ironman, and buzz lightyear.  when all the boys get sweaty and take their shirts off to play in the yard, she does too.  and really, none of us care.  it's just cute, and refreshing, that she doesn't have to differentiate between boys and girls.

imagine my surprise when i wandered in after work to find j and ains pouring over a halloween costume catalog that came in the mail.  tell mom what you're going to be for halloween.  a princess mommy!

my first response was over my dead body and i didn't even pause before i said a curt no. it didn't phase ains. she just said, ok and went back to playing.  j on the other hand looked at me pretty shocked.  that was rude. i thought we'd talked about this already.  but she chose it. i don't care. no princesses. no princess movies, no princess books, no princess coloring books, ESPECIALLY NOT DISNEY PRINCESSES.  end of discussion. you're being irrational. really?  i'm just doing everything in my power not to drown my little girl in social codes and conditioning before she starts school.  there will be plenty of time for princesses, times we can't get out of.  this year is not one of those times. whatever.


i walked into the kitchen and began getting my dinner (j and ains had already eaten) when they started looking at the catalog again.  she pointed to a variety of things she liked and to each he responded, that's too cute.  mommy says you can't be cute. you'll have to be a power ranger or something. after a couple incarnations of this i finally lost my temper and shouted at him from across the room, i never said she couldn't be cute! she can be a whole host of things.  just not a princess.  she could be dora, or joan of arc for all i care.  someone strong, willful and willing and able to take care of herself.   she can be a bunny, or a cat, or a 1/2 the things in that catalog.  i just said nothing princess or age inappropriate! would you let your son dress up like a princess?  that's what i thought.  i don't want our daughter to think she's got to be rescued by anyone.  or that she has to change to get them to love her. have you thought about what those stories teach girls?!?  by the time i finished i was red-faced and yelling and a bit embarrassed.  but he just didn't seem to get it.

we didn't talk about it again until ains was in bed and i'm afraid i didn't really make my concern clear.  don't get me wrong.  i saw disney princess movies.  i liked them.  i still think the little mermaid is one of the best movies disney produced (its still ranks FAR behind mulan - the movie that gets no respect. how come there aren't any mulan dolls or coloring books?  that's something i would buy in a heartbeat!)  i was not permanently damaged by them.  but  i was also surrounded by women, in real life and in a variety of media, that didn't fit into disney's little boxes.  women who rescued themselves (and others), women who didn't wait, who made tough decisions, who rose above their wicked families on their own.  balance in all things.

 if, as we've all heard, the most segregated hour in america is 11 am on a Sunday morning, then the most gender segregated places are the toy aisles.  take one look in target or the commercials on tv and its clear that babies are being sold ideas through their parents. you could deck out a child's nursery in cinderella stuff before she can understand the story.  its inundation.  and kids learn early. the things i want ains to know early don't come from disney princesses.  maybe toy story, but we're still a little young for that.

liking disney princesses isn't wrong.  yet it clearly ignites something primal in me, something that feels the urge to protect this innocent child from the pressures of the world.  something irrational (j was right) that makes me go a little overboard, or become frustrated when my husband doesn't recognize gender stereotyping when its blatantly clear.   or perhaps i'm just a liberal feminist who prayed that her daughter was born in a slightly different world than i grew up in.  a world where there's an african-american first family, where there are three women on the supreme court, were there are infinite possibilities for boys and girls, where personal choice is always a factor.

 so no disney princesses for halloween.  no barbies either.  but that day is coming, i know.  just not today.

doll hospital

for a couple of days now, j and i have been seeing tufts of cotton stuffing floating around the house.  we assumed that maggie had torn up on of ains' toys and then hidden it.  we kept looking, cause then we could punish mags for tearing things up but never found anything.


finally, while waking ains up one morning i found some more stuffing in her room and i thought to ask her where it came from.  without even pausing she said 'roger'.  'there's some in roger's clothes too.'  seems i should have asked her earlier!


roger is her baby doll, something a kind, thoughtful parishioner at my last church gave to us during a baby shower.  she has loved this doll, dragged it around with her, babied it, beat it, really played with it lots.  apparently because of all the loving roger has completely separated along his back, accounting for the stuffing spread out across the house.


inadvertently i show ains inside rogers clothes and she gets a little flustered when she sees that roger is hurt.  i explain that roger just needs to go to the doctor and they'll take care of it.  that was my first mistake. 


the doctor is a tangible, known experience for my child.  as soon as those words left my mouth she got very agitated and ran out of her room. turns out she went to the medicine cabinet to get a thermometer and some children's motrin.  'dr mom!  we need to take roger's temperature and give him some medicine before we go!!!'  not.even.kidding.


so i just roll with it.  we take his temp, offer him some medicine and finish getting ready for the day.  then roger has to come downstairs and sit with us while we eat breakfast.  as we're leaving ains realizes roger is not with us.  she pitches a fit because i said roger needed to go to the doctor and so he needs to be in the car.  ok.  then he needs a seatbelt.  thanks to dora we all wear our seatbelts - so we can be safe! (not that there's anything wrong with that).  so driving to daycare i'm headed down the road with a two year old and a doll strapped into my back seat.


this is one of the things i like the most about young children.  they are so literal, very concrete thinkers.  they don't register sarcasm, or jokes, or subtext.  they are the straight men in my comedic life.  at times its frustrating and at times its the best part of this parenting thing.    (other than the little things she repeats - i'm hard as nails mommy.  or the thunder scared me so much i pooted. )


never a dull moment.

hair experiment redux

fine hair non-shampooing experiment has been a semi-success.  the hardest part is remembering in the shower if this is the day i'm supposed to shampoo it or not! :)

i'm wholeheartedly suggesting this procedure to anyone with fine, thin, or limp hair.  it is astonishing how much easier it is to style my hair on the days it hasn't been shampooed.  it has more body, more thickness, and more staying power. it holds curl, stays flat, or keeps poof, whatever it is i want it to do. i love it!

no shampoo should be a rallying cry.

try it. seriously. 

a laugh a minute

despite my previous post a good portion of the time ains is simple comedic relief. these things are simply from the last 5 days.

• suck it table. you were in my way. 
• i'm going exploring for some republicans.
• oh, crap!
• i don't even want an apple banana shake down.
• don't talk with your mouthful dad.
• i'm annoying you, aren't i?
• i'm going to put this kong in my butt.
• how do i look?  i'm fashionable!
• who gave you that ring mom?  daddy?  daddy, you're really smart!

 i'm in full agreement with eric northman that children are 'teacup humans'.  perfect description.

but all those probably pale in comparison with what i actually find coming out of my mouth.

• alligators can't open doors.  they don't have opposable thumbs.
• maggie licks herself because she's a dog.  people don't lick themselves. 
• no hitting at the dinner table. j, that includes you. 

trouble

the last couple of days have been full of it - primarily from a short, blonde headed, blue eyed hellion that has taken over my home.  toto, i think we've hit the terrible part of those twos.


she's always been demanding, vocal, and independent - we've just entered periods of open rebellion, something i do not handle very well.  i do not expect (and am not ok with) a 2 year old looking at me, digging in her heels and just saying 'no'.  the first time she really said it and was serious - not a no, mommy, and then doing what i asked anyway but a arms crossed, jaw-set NO followed by stomping her feet or sitting down on the floor - my first response was 'what did you just say?'.  then proceeding to drag her into doing what i told her in the first place.  


the defiance has gotten more elaborate as the week has progressed.  on monday (that's how fast it progressed) i had to ask j to come upstairs and take over bath time/bedtime because i was genuinely worried that she would do one more thing and i would snap - yell at her or slap her face or something else drastic and dramatic. (those of you who have known me for a while can testify to my typical mo. like ani says - you think everything's ok and it is - til its not).  i've got the gut feeling that my best bet is not to let her see that she flusters me.  that's getting harder every day.


on tues and wed i used the wonder that is facebook to talk to some colleagues who are also a little further along the child path than our family.  people i trust.  both of them told me it would get worse before it got better and promised that 3 was way worse than 2 and they felt lucky their kids made it to 5.  not the kind of encouragement i was hoping for.


actually our conversation was wonderful because i got to pick their brains about different approaches to children at all their different stages.  we're moving into forced choice more often.  'would you rather read llama llama red pajama or the little engine that could after your bath?' or 'you have a choice - you can either eat your dinner or go straight to bed.'    the last four days have been so full of forced choices that she's presenting them to other people. 'dad, are you going to go to work or clean the kitchen?'. i swear.


my dear colleagues were also helpful in making me feel better - that this is all normal, the way i feel, the way she's acting - and if i can keep my cool i'll feel better at the end of the day.  this is how i was able to keep my cool when spit on during bed time last night and instead of ripping out her intestines and offering them to the sky gods i just told her she had to go to bed without reading her favorite book because she spit on me.  very matter of fact.  she didn't like it - but there has been no more spitting so far.


my friends were also helpful in sharing the most useful phrase i've heard in regard to children - how'd that work out for you?  it reeks of dr phil but really, its wonderful to get her to think (and cathartic to say) when a has done something i told her not to and then hurt herself - like climbing into a kitchen chair. 


we'll see how things go for the next week.  i'm sure it will be wonderful and horrible all rolled up in one.  so thank the gods of partners in childrearing and colleagues to listen and laugh with you.  

to grow in christ - 4th in a series on colossians

           When you’ve been around me long enough, one of the things that becomes clear is I’m a lover of music.  All types, all volumes, all genres.  Odds are if you can name it, it’s on my iPod - with one notable exception - I’ve never been much of an 80’s hair band kind of girl.  One of the things I enjoyed the most about Daniel Ogle serving as the office assistant in June was the random singing we’d do together.  He’d start at his desk and without leaving mine, without even looking at each other; we’d be singing together and laughing to beat the band.  I’m not sure how the rest of the office staff felt about it, but we sure had a good time!  

I am the person who will pause movies and live TV because I recognize a snippet of a song in the background and I am uneasy - I literally cannot relax until I can put a name with the tune.  One of our favorite things to do in my family is to play the music quiz games at sporcle.com.  If you haven’t been there I suggest you check it out - rather than games to numb your mind these are games to increase brain use - like naming all 44 presidents in 1 minute - or listing the mottos for all 50 states. Great fun!  They have games where you have to guess songs based on 5 - 10 sec clips and I love it!

Part of the reason I love music so much is all the emotion tied up in it.  My mom tells me that when I was a kid, anytime I felt anything, I went to the piano and played.  Certain songs delve up emotion and memory in all of us.  You can hear a song - only a couple of bars and it takes you back to a precise moment - and you’re reliving it.  The people there with you, the way you felt, the way the air tasted, good memories and bad memories.  Music is incredibly powerful like that.  And it works with groups of people as well as individuals.  James’ entire family tears up when singing Here I am Lord, because it reminds them of a shared grief.  And those things tie us together.

 Collective memory is among the most essential components of a community's shared identity.  Both texts today deal primarily with communal memory. Deuteronomy telling the Israelite's how to live their lives - always remembering that God had broken their bonds in Egypt and delivered them into new life.  Paul talking to the community in Colossae, encouraging them to find their footing by remembering their past - what they know.  You can almost hear them - Remember!  Remember who you are and what’s been done for you.  Remember how you are different.

            Paul uses 6 verses to re-tell the communal story.  They have come to fullness in Christ, the ultimate authority.  The Colossians need reminding that they are in this world but not of this world because God has disarmed the rulers and authorities of this world, triumphing over them.  Therefore the rules of this world do not apply.  We are no longer bound by the principalities and powers of this world as we are connected to God through Christ. That is a powerful proposition, and one both the Colossians and modern believers need to hear again and again. 

            Paul starts and ends our reading today by encouraging believers in Colossae not to be taken in by “philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition”[1]  and enumerating ways this could happen.  It seems that the Colossians were in the midst of conversations about what the requirements were to be a faithful follower of Christ. The issue of circumcision, dietary laws, and religious festivals had all come to the forefront.  Those of you who have been a part of the First Christian Class this summer will recognize this theme.  Many of Paul’s letters center on this single discussion.  Must believers become faithful practicing Jews before they could become Christians?  Must they rest on other elements - seeing visions, worship of minor deities (angels), self-hatred and physical pain as others might claim?  Should they model their practice of faith on one person, or in one way?  What makes a good Christian? 

            It’s not so different today.  We’re in our best moments still having that conversation - and in our worst moments we’re divided over these questions.  There is still ‘deceitful philosophy’ alive in the church, and it weakens our connection to one another.[2]  We are divided over many issues as believers - and understandably we don’t always see eye to eye.  But, one group begins to think that not only is their opinion right, they themselves are right.  It is a very small step to the idea that they are the ‘good ones’ and everyone else, those others, are the ‘bad ones’.  We then base our actions on that stereotype.[3]  It is an even smaller step from being good and bad into the language of ‘faithful’ and sinner.  Some on either side adopt the philosophy that the ‘others’ are unforgivable sinners.  We begin to use divisive language aloud and in public to one another like “A real Christian would never vote for Barack Obama” and ‘You’re not a real Christian if you don’t serve and fight for the poor and disenfranchised.’  We begin to believe that whatever church program we’re involved with - LINK, Preschool, Presbyterian Women or Music Programs - are more important and deserve more respect than all the other ministries of the church.  .

            It’s also appears on a smaller scale - this assumption that God’s work of redemption is limited by human actions.  Many people honestly believe that some sins are unforgivable.  in every church gathering this week, I can promise you that there are, among the faithful, people who have struggled with the belief that they can be forgiven.  It can be personal - in that they are not sure they can forgive themselves.  They might have heard from a preacher, teacher, or adult in the past that they are too bad - too guilty - for God to save.  It may be some sin that remains in the past - one that seems unforgiven.  One that they cannot let go of.

These ideas are deceitful precisely because we attempt to limit God by our frameworks.  We begin to tell God where and how (or how not) to act.  If we take the gospel seriously then surely we understand that there is no sin so terrible God has not already forgiven.  I think that is one of the most powerful parts of reformed worship - each week we stand and hear that message again - that God forgives.  We hear the waters of baptism poured each week reminding us of our connection.  God has defeated the power of sin in our lives.  God has erased the record.  It is gone.  And Paul tells us we are united, brought together in our differences in Christ.  The powers of this world - powers the divide and conquer, that tear individuals and groups apart - they have no control over us! We are called to different ways of being. We are a whole body, nourished and held together by God. 

It is God that grows us, as individuals and as communities, in our faith.  Deuteronomy pointedly reminds the Israelites of that fact - “a land with fine, large cities that you did not build, houses filled with all sorts of goods that you did not fill, vineyards and olives groves that you did not plant, so take care that you do not forget the Lord[4]” Like the Israelites, God has acted for us - we have been redeemed, and counted among the righteous.   Paul is reminding the Colossians of their roots - roots deeply tied to God’s work in Christ.  In order to continue to grow, they must nourish those roots - recognize and remember whose they are.  It is God, who has saved us, and it is God’s action that draws us together - not right belief, or submission to a list of agreed upon terms.  Nothing but God.

All the deceitful philosophy Paul speaks of, the puffed up human ways of thinking, and our modern iterations all grow out of us being out of right relationship with God.  We begin to trust ourselves.  We apply our frameworks to God.  We wonder if in fact we might know better than God.  We begin to rely on one another and on the power of this world - however weak and flimsy they might be.  Our sight becomes dim and our vision limited.  Paul is reminding us to trust in what we know.  Trust in what has made us different. 

We are reminded to rely fully on God who is our head and trust in God’s promises.  Often one might hear or say the phrase ‘return to their roots’ as a way of vocalizing a desire to return to what strengthens them, nourishes them.  Paul is reminding the believers in Colossae to return to their roots - to turn always to God.  If the theme of Colossians is ‘living in Christ’, then chapter 2 tells us how to grow in Christ - to be rooted in our faith, to trust and to believe. 

That is the central message of our faith and one that should resonate deep within our souls like an old familiar song.  Remember.  There is nothing so bad God cannot forgive, no wound so deep God cannot heal, no division so great God cannot overcome it.  Remember whose you are - and trust in that answer. 

---

[1] Colossians 2: 8, NRSV

[2] Richard L Eslinger, Homiletical Perspective: Colossians 2:6-15 (16-19), Feasting on the Word year c, vol 3, ed David L Bartlett and Barbara Brown Taylor (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press) pg 283.

[3] ibid

[4] Deuteronomy 6:10-12, NRSV

all before 10 am

this morning, 6:30 i roll over and notice that j is not in bed.  
hasn't been gone long because the pillow is still warm.  
i sit there, pondering getting up or going back to sleep when he returns.  

"we have a problem." my heart stops. 

i think its his toe (broken nail - infected - nasty stuff). 

he walks to the window and i realize that's not it.  

"our ac is out". commence heart stoppage again.  
its the hottest day of the year in Kansas - 115. 
worst day for news like this.  

worst.day.ever. 

i look at my alarm clock.  

its 82 degrees in my bedroom. 

at 6:30 in the am.  

the sun is beginning to shine over the horizon, so we need to get our butts in gear. 

 in short order we shower, get dressed, wake up ains, and start to get rolling.  

when i get downstairs i freeze again.  
what are we going to do with maggie? 
 she can't stay in her crate.  there is no ac. 
 she can't stay in the yard.  its 115 degrees!
she can't realistically go to work with either of us.  

with no plan, i throw her and ains in the car and rush toward day care.  

unload ains, who's excited cause she gets to have breakfast with 'all her kids', 

rush back to the car and head to j's church to switch cars. 

(guess who's going to be in lawrence all day and all night?)

maggie and i head inside j's church - which is serving as a polling place on this primary election day.  
i can't leave her in the car so we struggle into the office  - her super excited, me super frustrated. 
we lock ourselves in j's office and assess our choices.  
j has called the ac people and they'll be over this afternoon.  
if its something simple they can handle it on the spot, if not...

with that taken care of the final decision is maggie.  

if she says with either of us we're not going to get any work done. 

she'll be hovering and whining. 

j has planning meetings with some elderly parishioners.

i am in meetings back to back from 1 pm till 8 pm. 

 not good options.  

then the light bulb - TADA! 
down the street from our home is a doggie day care.  
one quick call of explanation and they are happy to accommodate us.  

so i drag maggie back to the car, 

drive all the way back to our house,

then head to the doggie day care.  

in the 5 minute process of dropping her off,  maggie steps on my foot three times, 

jerks me off my feet once,  jumps on the counter at the front desk twice, 

and nearly bowls over the  young man who comes to take her off my hands. 

 5 minutes. 

it is now about 8:15.  
i realize i will pass by my polling place on the way to work 
(honestly i've passed it twice already but now there's not a 75 lb lab and a 2 year old with me).   
i make my way to the central baptist seminary (!) 
and vote for the first time as a resident of kansas.  
(four of my ten options on the ballot were empty because there are no dems running for those local positions.) 

then i take a deep breath and cross the street

 and head to the starbucks for my well deserved iced chai latte.   

because if, 

as the radio, tv, and mailings keep telling me, 

i am a democratic primary voting, npr listening, over educated, privileged liberal elite then i'm going to take my spoils and run.   

so take that, worst morning in a long, long time! 
 i have to go and write a sermon on colossians.

did i mention this might be the worst day ever?  :).