Merry Christmas from Kansas

our first christmas eve was an eventful one here in shawnee.  my mom and dad are here and have been a great help, cooking and cleaning while j and i got ready for christmas services.  ainsley had a fun but full day, trying to open presents and having a grand old time. 

as the day wore on, the weather got worse and the forcasts got more complex.  around noon my head of staff called to say that i was not obligated to stay in lawrence (a 45 minute drive) for the 10 pm service, but that both services were still on.
so dad and i bundled up and headed to lawrence.  getting there wasn't bad.  during the 6pm service it snowed at least 4 inches and we cancelled the 10 pm service.  getting home was a bit more rocky!  but we took our time, and with a great navigator/cheerleader the cr-v and i made it back to shawnee. 

it is our first white christmas. can't wait to see the morning!  

"hallelujah every body say cheese,

merry christmas from the family!"

the things you remember

 getting ready this morning my ipod mix was on r.e.m. and i while i was bouncing around i was remembering lots and lots of different things.  r.e.m. has been a staple of my life since junior high and with the exception of brief forays into other bands and generes they have been the soundtrack to my life. (i am admitting that outkast was added to this soundtrack sometime in 1998.  makes for an interesting mixture!)

songs remind me of the weirdest, most diverse moments.  

songs like undertow, try not to breathe, electrolite, so fast so numb, (don't go back to) rockville, king of birds, the final straw, falls to climb, tongue, and half a world away bring memories so strong that i can taste and smell what i was doing at that time.  

the point is this - my life (or at least they way i lived it) was changed twice, nearly 10 years apart by hearing the same song live in concert.  i've been thinking about walk unafraid all day.

as the sun comes up, as the moon 

goes down

these heavy notions creep around

it makes me think 

long ago I was brought into

this life a little lamb

a little lamb

courageous, stumbling

fearless was my middle name.

but somewhere there I 

lost my way

everyone walks the same

expecting me to step 

the narrow path they've laid

they claim to 

walk unafraid

I'll be clumsy instead

hold my love me or leave me

high.

say "keep within the boundaries if you want

to play."

say "contradiction only makes it harder."

how can I be

what I want to be?

when all I want to do is strip away

these stilled constraints

and crush this charade

shred this sad masquerade 

I don't need no persuading

I'll trip, fall, pick myself up and

walk unafraid

I'll be clumsy instead

hold my love me or leave me

high.

if I have a bag of rocks to carry as I go

I just want to hold my head up high

I don't care what I have to step over

I'm prepared to look you in the eye

look me in the eye

and if you see familiarity

then celebrate the contradiction

help me when I fall to

walk unafraid

I'll be clumsy instead

hold my love me or leave me

high.

walk unafraid

I'll be clumsy instead

hold my love me or leave mehigh.

 so thank you buck, mills, (berry) and stipe for writing and performing it. and thank you sj and ss for inviting me along on the ride.  it has made a difference. 

ps

this morning when it was 13 degrees, as j and i were carefully orchestrating the 'dress ains warmly and get her in the car without making icicle baby' part of the ritual maggie makes a break for it.
out the garage door into the front yard.  i'm in my robe, hair still wet from my shower. not an ideal situation.
i grabbed a jacket and ventured toward the outside of the garage to only be whipped and battered by the wind. COLD wind. she knew she was in trouble, so she wouldn't come. t.r.o.u.b.l.e.
i had 1/2 a mind to leave her out there and let her freeze - but my conscience got the better of me.
needless to say, we're reinvesting in obedience classes.  maggie has been able to slide since ains came along and that's not going to cut it anymore. 
good @#!$@% morning. 

winter is here!

so we had our first snow as official kansas natives yesterday. i called in 'texan' to work - which was a little unnecessary because it didn't snow until 6 pm, but hey, i needed the time off! :p


it WAS very icy and treacherous - and snowing in lawrence - so we decided that since there wasn't anything necessary i'd stay and work from home. (thank you remote desktop!) after some laundry and some newsletter articles, went to lunch with j.  that's one of the things i miss the most about kinston - we nearly always had lunch together.  it had been a long time since we had had an unsupervised meal together. it was nice.


came home and started decorating our christmas tree.  on saturday we loaded into the car and had ains pick out a christmas tree.  it was great (and cold) to see her running through the tree area in the nursery and spinning around and playing with trees. 

 j told her santa claus was hiding behind one and she ran away screaming! (had an unfortunate visit with santa at j's church's breakfast with santa.  suffice it to say that she is not a fan of jolly old st nick.)  we even got a fraser fir - something unexpected but a nice surprise on our first christmas outside of north carolina. 

j was very pouty all day because he really wanted snow.  i figured 'hey we live in KANSAS. it will snow soon enough!"  and finally after we had dinner and i gave ains a bath it started.  around 8:30 j suited up and we went outside and made my first official snowman. 


all in all, a good time.  it snowed, and was pretty snow, but only about 1 inch - an ideal amount, not enough for me to freak out about.  


so thank you kansas for letting me get acclimated before dumping 4 feet on me. 

...and a little child shall lead them.

sunday i took ainsley with me to work in lawrence.  she doesn't often get the chance to be there (and the church doesn't often get a chance to see her) cause usually i'm working 12+ hour days on sunday. but this week i had a lock in on friday and i backed out of confirmation class sunday afternoon (5 teachers is more than ample for one week).

over dinner j and i talked about how ainsley hadn't been to lawrence in a long while, how she was clingy cause i had been gone and how he'd like a small break from being super dad. i packed the car, woke ainsley up at 7, changed her diaper and put her in the carseat (eating breakfast on the road is a staple of 'mommy church').

 navigating the cold and ice we successfully made it into the building and into my office.  there we (both) changed  into church clothes and fixed hair. all during the drive (and the night before) i had been mulling over one of my concerns about ainsley - the fact that she is never in church.  not that i think there is some special status about being in church. but she needs to have the experience cause she's going to be spending lots of time there over the years! 

i told the other pastors leading worship that i'd have ains with me through the children's sermon.  the head of staff looked curious but didn't question. (that's a nice relationship!) i sat on the front row with my daughter and listened to the announcements (and her demands).  i pointed her in the direction of the flutist and the soloists singing 'o come, o come emmanual' explaining what was going on.  

then came the first moment of truth - i had to stand and give a call to worship (thankfully not responsive).  i left ainsley with her pencil and her bulletin and stood in the center aisle, leading us into worship. quickly i realized that she was standing next to me (with the bulletin and pencil) and was watching everyone in the congregation.  soon she began to repeat what i was saying, my own personal echo.

"we have been brought here together gether!

to wait for the promised birth. birth!

(at this point she was copying my hand motions so i reached down and held her hand)

come, let us worship god. god!"

i was slightly mortified  worried how people would respond, but everyone seemed to find it endearing.  we took our place at the front pew and began singing opening songs - ains standing on the pew, me sitting next to her. after singing, i stepped up into the chancel to fill our baptismal font, while ainsley wandered around the center aisle.   i invited people to share god's peace, and upon hearing my voice she came charging down the aisle to hold my hand again and meet 'all the peoples'. 

we sat down as a mother and daughter lit the advent candles and during the lighting they read this passage from isaiah:

the wolf shall dwell with the lamb,

the leopard shall lie down with the kid, 

the calf and the lion and the fatling together, 

and a little child shall lead them. 

and it hit me. i was enjoying worship.  sure, i was a little distracted and preoccupied trying to lead god's people and watch my own child, but no one outside my own head seemed to notice. even if they had noticed - this is my life.  i've never really learned about to balance work and parenthood (who does?) but i've had a especially hard time with sunday mornings. 

the time i should have been bringing baby a into worship and letting her learn what happens there, i found myself abruptly moved from associate to acting head of staff.  i was barely making it through sunday mornings with ains in the capable care of wonderful nursery workers who loved her.  i didn't even think about having other options.  

maybe that sold myself and my people loving child short.  

ains needs to be a part of my worshiping community - and they need to be a part of her life. she will need to understand what it is mommy does and they need to remember that i'm a complex mix of things all in one package. parenthood is a part of my call and my call is a part of my parenthood.  here we were,  my little child (helping) to lead them.  and no one fussed, or thought it was inappropriate.  they were fine listening to her pleas for a drawing of a birthday cake during the announcements and she was fascinated at what was happening (and full of stage whispers!)

this is my peaceable kingdom.  it might not be wolves lying down with lambs, but the parts of my life lying down together. that seems good enough for one day. 

facing the facts

it is COLD. like high of 32 degrees cold.  wind chill of 19 cold.

my dad is laughing cause as a smart mouth teen i used to riff on how i didn't believe in wind chill because if it was 20 degrees then it felt like 20 degrees.

 i take back those words now.

what is distressing me is that this is as cold as i go - or more accurately used to go.

this is as cold as it was in the nc mountains during my post-xmas holidays.

this was as cold as it was in prague and budapest when i visited in january 2004.

this isn't a three week trip.

this is my life.

my cold life.

question: how does one stay warm in the car and walking between buildings in dress clothes?

i can stay (relatively) warm in jeans but not in dress pants.

 i don't think they make flannel lined dress pants for women.

so anyone out there with any hints for how to stay warm  - when its going to be 15 tonight (argh!)-  then please pass them along to this south texas girl lost in the midwest.

:)

a big girl bed!

last night was ainsley's first night in her toddler bed.

j and i had been contemplating making the change for a while (i'd been thinking about it out loud, he'd been not listening and mumbling incoherently when asked directly). i was worried about changing too much at once and decided to wait until after the holidays to make the big switch. however, when we got home from georgia it just felt right. i stayed home from work on monday and told james we were making the switch that afternoon.

when we bought her crib we got one of those fancy beds that converts to a toddler bed, then a day bed, and then can be used as the headboard and footboard of a twin bed. (realisitically we figured that by the time she needs a twin bed, someone else would be using the crib/toddler bed.) there were some allen wrench screws that needed to be removed and a side rail added in place of the front of the crib. we lowered the mattress in the crib and voila! a relatively simple process that went pretty smoothly. (aiside from j going to the store to get more bolts, maggie being underfoot and ainsley biting me at one point!)

for the rest of the night she was in and out of that bed more than i can count. we went upstairs to take a bath (into the bed), naked, headed to the bathtub (into the bed), wrapped in the towel after a bath (into the bed). it was a success.

in her own words - 'daddy fixed my bed. i likes it.'

//for some reason i cannot get the sound to work.  arrgh!//

and the best part? this morning i got to sleep in because someone didn't wake me by jumping up and down in her crib and yelling to be released - she simply got out of bed and played with her toys till i came in to get her ready. WHY didn't we think of this sooner?!?