...and a little child shall lead them.

sunday i took ainsley with me to work in lawrence.  she doesn't often get the chance to be there (and the church doesn't often get a chance to see her) cause usually i'm working 12+ hour days on sunday. but this week i had a lock in on friday and i backed out of confirmation class sunday afternoon (5 teachers is more than ample for one week).

over dinner j and i talked about how ainsley hadn't been to lawrence in a long while, how she was clingy cause i had been gone and how he'd like a small break from being super dad. i packed the car, woke ainsley up at 7, changed her diaper and put her in the carseat (eating breakfast on the road is a staple of 'mommy church').

 navigating the cold and ice we successfully made it into the building and into my office.  there we (both) changed  into church clothes and fixed hair. all during the drive (and the night before) i had been mulling over one of my concerns about ainsley - the fact that she is never in church.  not that i think there is some special status about being in church. but she needs to have the experience cause she's going to be spending lots of time there over the years! 

i told the other pastors leading worship that i'd have ains with me through the children's sermon.  the head of staff looked curious but didn't question. (that's a nice relationship!) i sat on the front row with my daughter and listened to the announcements (and her demands).  i pointed her in the direction of the flutist and the soloists singing 'o come, o come emmanual' explaining what was going on.  

then came the first moment of truth - i had to stand and give a call to worship (thankfully not responsive).  i left ainsley with her pencil and her bulletin and stood in the center aisle, leading us into worship. quickly i realized that she was standing next to me (with the bulletin and pencil) and was watching everyone in the congregation.  soon she began to repeat what i was saying, my own personal echo.

"we have been brought here together gether!

to wait for the promised birth. birth!

(at this point she was copying my hand motions so i reached down and held her hand)

come, let us worship god. god!"

i was slightly mortified  worried how people would respond, but everyone seemed to find it endearing.  we took our place at the front pew and began singing opening songs - ains standing on the pew, me sitting next to her. after singing, i stepped up into the chancel to fill our baptismal font, while ainsley wandered around the center aisle.   i invited people to share god's peace, and upon hearing my voice she came charging down the aisle to hold my hand again and meet 'all the peoples'. 

we sat down as a mother and daughter lit the advent candles and during the lighting they read this passage from isaiah:

the wolf shall dwell with the lamb,

the leopard shall lie down with the kid, 

the calf and the lion and the fatling together, 

and a little child shall lead them. 

and it hit me. i was enjoying worship.  sure, i was a little distracted and preoccupied trying to lead god's people and watch my own child, but no one outside my own head seemed to notice. even if they had noticed - this is my life.  i've never really learned about to balance work and parenthood (who does?) but i've had a especially hard time with sunday mornings. 

the time i should have been bringing baby a into worship and letting her learn what happens there, i found myself abruptly moved from associate to acting head of staff.  i was barely making it through sunday mornings with ains in the capable care of wonderful nursery workers who loved her.  i didn't even think about having other options.  

maybe that sold myself and my people loving child short.  

ains needs to be a part of my worshiping community - and they need to be a part of her life. she will need to understand what it is mommy does and they need to remember that i'm a complex mix of things all in one package. parenthood is a part of my call and my call is a part of my parenthood.  here we were,  my little child (helping) to lead them.  and no one fussed, or thought it was inappropriate.  they were fine listening to her pleas for a drawing of a birthday cake during the announcements and she was fascinated at what was happening (and full of stage whispers!)

this is my peaceable kingdom.  it might not be wolves lying down with lambs, but the parts of my life lying down together. that seems good enough for one day.