on my way to church j called to tell me that little v had passed away unexpectedly. he was a wreck. heck, i was a wreck. but i had ains in the back seat and two worship services waiting for me, so i cried silently and tried not to think about it. but its hard not to. esp when the entire worship service is based on psalm 23.
i kept ains with me most of both services and i kept looking at her and just not understanding. how, why, what? i want to hold her, touch her every moment that i had cause i feel adrift at sea.
viv was a great kid. a wonderful friend too. i keep thinking that there's been some mistake, that she'll meet us at the door when we arrive tomorrow, or hold ainsley's hand to walk her to the car like she did on thursday.
i worry about ains - what do you tell a 2 year old? its true that she'll not necessarily remember this pain as viscerally as i will, but she knows something is wrong. and she'll know something is wrong for a while, as we all learn to live with this.
not 15 minutes ago j and i sat her down and talked about how her friend v was not coming back to celia's. how it was ok to be sad. everyone was sad. all the while trying not to lose control in front of her.
i know this is a conversation we're going to have to have again and again, cause she's only two. she's smart, there's only so much a two year old can grasp.
i worry about j who will be preparing a funeral service for a 4 year old this week. a 4 year old who he knew well.
and i just worry. this is not alright and its not going to be alright. its bad, it hurts, it sucks and i hate it.
sorry girl! i know that pain. i'm praying for ya'll, her family, and everyone involved. hang in there and trust God for the words to share with ains as she asks again and again
ReplyDeletePraying & hurting for y'all. :(
ReplyDeleteOh Mary! Prayers are going up for Ainsley's sweet friend, family, Ainsley and both of y'all! I have a hard time coming to terms wihth such a loss. I can't imagine the pain the family is feeling.
ReplyDeleteI realize what I'm about to say can not (on any level) compare to the loss of a person... but for a 2 year old, a loss is a loss. When Sambo (our cat) died last year, we talked to Lilli, just as you did. Lilli still talks about Sambo. She asks about him all the time. You can see some confusion in her eyes, but strangely understanding at the same time. She recently told me that Sambo was sitting in God's lap. All I could do was nod and say, "Yes baby, he sure is."
Where I am going with this is... be prepared. Ainsley will continue to talk about "V" for a long time.
Sending you lots of ((HUGS)) and love! XOXO