the games we play

lately ains has reached the developmental milestone of playing 'pretend'. she will model things she sees on the television - max & ruby having a picnic or dora and boots saving the baby blue bird.  she will model things she does each day - sitting down to lunch, playing tag with her friends, reading books to her stuffed animals.

one of her favorite games these last few weeks has been to play 'mommy'.  she gets to be 'mommy' and something is her baby.  she takes care of it - bathes it, feeds it, reads to it, rocks it, does all the things mommies do so well.  sometimes she plays alone. sometimes we play together.

lately she's been playing out a scenario that haunts me.  i didn't even know how to respond when i realized what she was doing.

wednesday mornings are 'our time'.  i'm late at work every tuesday night and j has a early bird bible study wednesdays.  so ains and i take our time together, she'll come crawl in bed with me and we'll play for a while before getting dressed and having breakfast.  so a couple of wednesday mornings ago we started playing and she was feeding me breakfast, making sure i was comfortable and safe - her words - and then she picked up her bunny purse, slung it over her shoulder, slipped on some shoes, looks at me and matter of factly tells me that mommy has to go to work now.  i love you very much. she then kisses me, climbs out of bed and walks out the door, closing it on her way.

i lay there stunned.  i didn't even know what to think.  i was heartbroken.

but then she bounded back in the room, all smiles and giggles. hello baby!  mommy's back - i've missed you so much!  she flew into my arms and hugged me tight around the neck. i love you!  Big kiss!  


and i realized that at least she saw the whole picture - that when i left, i returned and that i missed her while i was gone.

as much as i am struggling with the lines between pastor and mommy, between home and work and in the midst of there juggling my status as wife, sister, daughter and most importantly leaving space for me, i am at least happy that whatever i am doing is showing her the larger picture.