social control

i saw this linked to on a site i read frequently this morning.  i had two responses - laughter, followed by anger that my spouse wouldn't see it.  well he could, but he's on a hiking trip and by the time he comes back i will have forgotten all about this.

you see, we've had an ongoing discussion concerning gender & societal stereotypes and the raising of our beautiful child.  he is as aware, if not more than me, that we do our best to balance 'girl' things with 'boy' things - dress up clothes with dump trucks, kitchens with tool boxes, dora with diego.  it's incredibly helpful that nearly all the kids in daycare with her are boys - she plays 'hide and go secret', can recognize batman, ironman, and buzz lightyear.  when all the boys get sweaty and take their shirts off to play in the yard, she does too.  and really, none of us care.  it's just cute, and refreshing, that she doesn't have to differentiate between boys and girls.

imagine my surprise when i wandered in after work to find j and ains pouring over a halloween costume catalog that came in the mail.  tell mom what you're going to be for halloween.  a princess mommy!

my first response was over my dead body and i didn't even pause before i said a curt no. it didn't phase ains. she just said, ok and went back to playing.  j on the other hand looked at me pretty shocked.  that was rude. i thought we'd talked about this already.  but she chose it. i don't care. no princesses. no princess movies, no princess books, no princess coloring books, ESPECIALLY NOT DISNEY PRINCESSES.  end of discussion. you're being irrational. really?  i'm just doing everything in my power not to drown my little girl in social codes and conditioning before she starts school.  there will be plenty of time for princesses, times we can't get out of.  this year is not one of those times. whatever.


i walked into the kitchen and began getting my dinner (j and ains had already eaten) when they started looking at the catalog again.  she pointed to a variety of things she liked and to each he responded, that's too cute.  mommy says you can't be cute. you'll have to be a power ranger or something. after a couple incarnations of this i finally lost my temper and shouted at him from across the room, i never said she couldn't be cute! she can be a whole host of things.  just not a princess.  she could be dora, or joan of arc for all i care.  someone strong, willful and willing and able to take care of herself.   she can be a bunny, or a cat, or a 1/2 the things in that catalog.  i just said nothing princess or age inappropriate! would you let your son dress up like a princess?  that's what i thought.  i don't want our daughter to think she's got to be rescued by anyone.  or that she has to change to get them to love her. have you thought about what those stories teach girls?!?  by the time i finished i was red-faced and yelling and a bit embarrassed.  but he just didn't seem to get it.

we didn't talk about it again until ains was in bed and i'm afraid i didn't really make my concern clear.  don't get me wrong.  i saw disney princess movies.  i liked them.  i still think the little mermaid is one of the best movies disney produced (its still ranks FAR behind mulan - the movie that gets no respect. how come there aren't any mulan dolls or coloring books?  that's something i would buy in a heartbeat!)  i was not permanently damaged by them.  but  i was also surrounded by women, in real life and in a variety of media, that didn't fit into disney's little boxes.  women who rescued themselves (and others), women who didn't wait, who made tough decisions, who rose above their wicked families on their own.  balance in all things.

 if, as we've all heard, the most segregated hour in america is 11 am on a Sunday morning, then the most gender segregated places are the toy aisles.  take one look in target or the commercials on tv and its clear that babies are being sold ideas through their parents. you could deck out a child's nursery in cinderella stuff before she can understand the story.  its inundation.  and kids learn early. the things i want ains to know early don't come from disney princesses.  maybe toy story, but we're still a little young for that.

liking disney princesses isn't wrong.  yet it clearly ignites something primal in me, something that feels the urge to protect this innocent child from the pressures of the world.  something irrational (j was right) that makes me go a little overboard, or become frustrated when my husband doesn't recognize gender stereotyping when its blatantly clear.   or perhaps i'm just a liberal feminist who prayed that her daughter was born in a slightly different world than i grew up in.  a world where there's an african-american first family, where there are three women on the supreme court, were there are infinite possibilities for boys and girls, where personal choice is always a factor.

 so no disney princesses for halloween.  no barbies either.  but that day is coming, i know.  just not today.