set apart

sunday found me in my usual place - running around like a crazy person, shouting directions and suggestions outside the sanctuary doors before being nudged into the sanctuary, wild eyed and out of breath.  then begins the composure and the walk forward to take a seat at the front.  the move from behind the scenes to central focus is one that jars me each and every week - its even worse when ainsley is here and can hear my voice over the loud speaker.   

(in fact last week i was co-officiating at the table and after i did the invitation and everyone began to pray i heard her yelling 'that's mommy!' from the nursery. i jerked my head up and met the laughing eyes of a number of people.)

i had relativley little to do during this service, so i found myself (my eyes and my brain) wandering throughout the service.  sitting directly in front of me was a young couple- soon to be family.  b is due in 23 days and j was there share his understanding/experience of stewardship.  my eyes wandered around the santuary but continually lingered on them.  i watched them interact, fidget together, pass notes, have entire conversations with a look.  j looked up at me. i realized i had been openly staring at them. very embarassed to say the least.

i struggled with this through the rest of the service primarily because that will never be me.  i will not be snuggled with my spouse and our child in the front pews of church. that distressed me. there is something so beautiful about those times - i know that's not for everyone but they are the memories i hold dear.  my child(ren) will not have the experience of sitting in worship with their parents. even if one of us were to quit the ministry i still wouldn't have the opportunity to enjoy worship with my partner. cause one of us would always be working.  

the christian scriptures talk about how we've been set apart for the work that we are called to.  i wrestle with how appropiate those words are in my situation.  many people see my vocation as something that separates us - and how could they not? i am separated out each sunday in dramatic visual ways.

its a very fine line to walk. especially for someone who's connection to church has always been the community of people.  at times during worship i feel completely alone, surrounded by people. :l